Good.

I’ve been a bit sick the past couple days and have had moments of stress and depression, but I got up and out today.

I feel tall. Thin. Beautiful.

I am awesome and amazing. Other people see it, why don’t I?

Things are good, that’s my better than middle. They’re not great. But that’s ok because it’ll get there and I don’t need to pressure it to.

Diary

Little activity.

Waffle with marshmallow, plum wine sauce, bacon, egg yolk.

Eggplant parmagiana (breadcrumb and cheese), yogurt, tomato sauce. x2 except yogurt.

1/2 romanesco with salt.
Russet apple.
Tortilla chips.

Water.

Fell asleep on couch, approx 11:30pm. Intermittent wake up, approx 7:30am. Tired. Nap 8:30pm, 1.5 hrs?

Mid-day gassy. Ate when hungry, bed stomach slight hunger pangs.

Tracking

I’ve been convinced by P that I should try to track my daily habits more just to improve my quality of life. Nothing is wrong, but if it makes weight control that much easier, keeps my energy levels up and removes a lot of internal discomfort, it seems like a worthwhile test. A lot of what he’s mentioned as not particularly good for me doesn’t take a very large role in my diet as is, so in theory it shouldn’t be difficult to attempt an elimination diet to find the boundaries.

Things to think about:
- dairy/casein (sp?)
- gluten (incl sauces)
- carbs/sugar
- nightshade veg (esp potatoes)
- fat and meat
- fermented food
- exercise
- energy levels
- body functions
- weight

Flux

We’re at a month out from the new gym membership and excitement has given way to the desire to see hard progress. I wonder if that has partly to do with the other stresses in my life and not feeling like I’ve accomplished enough or simply that I’m not good enough.

I have been setting small goals with the running which has been great positive reinforcement. That I can keep pushing myself a little further in measurable ways. The overall goal would be to be able to take it outside for considerable distances and periods of time. I feel like I can get there.

Classes feel less… concrete. I feel the pain, the exhaustion, the qualitative elements during and after but it’s hard to see where I’m improving. Everyone is so much more athletic or even just fit in the classes that the gap seems so wide.

I do know that I like what yoga does, but the meditation aspect is difficult for me. I don’t like personal trainers because I think I expect drastic results from them. I can be pretty decent at motivating myself. I can be a better runner. I am feeling a little healthier and stronger each day. I have let doubts creep in that were stimulated by outside sources. I have to remember that this is for me. For my fitness and overall health and most importantly because I want to. I do find some satisfaction. I do seem to enjoy spending this time on my own.

This morning after the poop, I weighed in at 122.5lbs. That’s a lot lighter than I’ve been in a long while short of sickness. I know my eating has been light due to stress, but I’m going to take it. I’m going to be happy about it!

I Feel Good!

Still don’t want to get ahead of myself, but this is the first time in a long time I’m really feeling more positive about the path I’m taking and my body image.

I looked at myself the other day… and I was clearly not as fat as I imagine myself to be. There are some days I imagine myself as willowy and confident, but I clearly am not fat. I think I’m losing a little bit of size, just a little bit… but it’s absolutely enough to make me feel like I’m going somewhere.

I’m also looking forward to the gym. I don’t try to put it off but am really trying to work people into my schedule around it. I might get a little lazy but I think that’s fair game to expect some days. I think I’m deriving a sense of satisfaction from the working out. Maybe the endorphins are finally kicking in

So now I have to wonder if it’s where my head is at or if this particular gym is working for me right now, because if it is, it’s going to be damn hard to give up.